Daisies

So like most people out there in internetland, I have coworkers with small idiosyncrasies that make me question their sanity.  For example, I have one coworker who goes home for lunch everyday, which is normal. However, everyday said coworker goes into the employee bathroom and takes a dump just before leaving to go home for lunch.  This coworker does the same thing just before going home at night. Am I missing something here? THIS MAKES NO SENSE TO ME. I know many people who refuse to take dumps at work for various reasons, some of them going so far as driving to nearby hotels to do their business and then returning to work. Who takes a dump BEFORE going home? You are minutes away from your own throne and yet you chose to use the toilet that 30 other people use everyday? This is the definition of ass-backwards. Someone please explain this to me because it hurts my head just to think about it.

There is also an unfortunate side effect for me in this matter that makes me think that I am part of an elaborate experiment in which I am the lab rat. There is a can of Glade air freshener in the bathroom which said coworker uses after making his/her deposit.  Thus, when you enter the bathroom after said coworker, there is a perfect 50/50 mixture of Glade and poo smell. Somehow, this 50/50 mixture has f*cked with my senses so much that normal 100% Glade now smells like shit to me (literally).  So where you see a nicely scented little pine tree hanging from a rearview mirror, I see a giant turd.  My life is just wonderful

While we wait …

While we wait on pins and needles for the staff to post the newest submission, I figured I would add a little internet commentary to the blog. Since we are technically in the employment industry, I like to peek at other job related sites and articles out there to see what people are saying and apparently many of these sites are hiring straight from the  James Woods Middle School journalism club  for their articles.

My favorites tend to come from the experts at Yahoo and MSN who love to give people interview tips, resume hints, and even guides on dressing for success. So without further adieu, here is a list of things I have recently learned reading job related articles on Yahoo and MSN:

• Don’t use a Bedazzler on your resume;
• Do not put “the mean streets of _____” under Education;
• Don’t list a well known convicted felon as a reference;
• Don’t list your character in second life as a reference;
• During the course of an interview, don’t ask for 30 days notice of a drug test;
• Also during an interview, don’t inform the interviewer that she is a “sexy bitch” no matter how polite you say it and no matter how sexy that bitch is;
• Don’t respond to a question by saying “Well that is an asinine question, try again.”;
• Don’t sleep with your boss on your first day; and
• Do not walk around the office with your ball sac hanging out of your pants asking coworkers how many licks it takes to get to the center.

As a wise man once told me, those who stake the obvious are seldom wrong, so keep on preaching employment experts!

Umm…

This received this letter via snail mail today (more on that below):

Dear Windy,  

I overheard you talking to Becky about how you didn’t like the way I cut that lady’s hair the other day, you remember the girl that came in and told me she wanted her hair to look like Mariah Carey’s hair but with Gwen Stefani’s hair color?  Yeah, I heard you tell her that I made that woman look like Wynonna Judd if she OD’d on Alli and got ahold of some Frost –N-Tips.  I just wanted you to know that you are SO mean!!  And remember that night we all went to Barnstormers for our Christmas party? Well, I heard Randy got with your daughter.  Yes, Randy your ex-husband Randy.  So, anyway, I quit.   

PS- Can you still watch Cujo while me and Randy are at PCB? 

Thanks Hon!

Jo Jo

Several questions here: Can anybody translate this for me? Seriously, please help as I have no idea what is being said here. Is this some sort of Appalachian dialect of English? Is this even English? Also, how did the same person who wrote this letter find our unlisted mailing address? Kim Kardashian’s rise to fame seems more plausible (as an aside I think I am now going to take submissions on one of my favorite subjects: “_______ is famous and I have no idea why or how” so send your names (and letters) to takethisjobblog@gmail.com)

On a roll

Two days in a row! An official TTJ record. Where do we go from here?. 

Emily has sent us quite the informative letter on her former employer:

Dear xxxxxxx:

 It is with great regret that I hereby tender my resignation.  My biggest regrets are listed in order of sadness caused.  I truly regret that I never had the balls to sue you for sexual harassment when you told me my “closing shirt” deserved a raise, just not of the monetary variety.  It also saddens me that I kept your extracurricular activities a secret… Like the time you smoked a joint in the company parking garage with me right next to you telling me to “hit it.”  And then there was that time that you were on a business trip and spent no less than 5 figures on hookers and blow.  Yes, I’m so very sad to be leaving an ethically superior company as this.  Please consider this my two weeks notice.  And if you try to hose me out of my last paycheck, I’ll email your wife the pics of you being serviced in a parking lot after a happy hour.  That truly was a happy hour for you, no?  Well, that about covers. 

Suck it!

Emily xxxxxxxxx  

I love that closing. All resignation letters should end with “Suck it!” or something similar. Also, regarding hookers and blow, I originally thought this would be a great name for a band, but after plugging the phrase into my google machine, it turns out someone stole my idea. So I now believe hookers and blow would be a great name for a professional wrestling tag team. Think of the entrance music and valets the Hookers and Blow would have for each match. Their signature move could be the 8-ball or the Pimp Hand/Bitch Slap. They would speak only in rhyme and could sell t-shirts that say “Bitch Better have my Money” in large bubble letters. I think I hear Vince McMahon calling me now. Don’t forget to send in your letters to takethisjobblog@gmail.com.

 

Moving along …

Our most recent submission is from Melissa, who is one of the lucky ones out there to find a new job in this “market.”  As you can see, she had quite the learning experience at her old job:

 

Hi XXXX,,

This letter shall serve as my two weeks notice as next Friday will be my last day.  I appreciate all that you have taught me.  Working for XXX has definitely been quite an experience. I feel that I have learned three main things in my 2 & ½ years here: 1) dumb is the new smart; 2) vodka is an acceptable mouthwash; and 3) decorum is just a guy you hook up with on vacation.  Thanks again for being my mentor the last few years and best of luck in the future.

                                                                                              Sincerely,

                                                                                              Melissa xxxxx

 

Wow, where did you work Melissa? Is your old job still available? I may know some people who could fit in perfectly there. Thanks for the submission, and once again, everyone please email your letters (or scenarios you’d like to see play out) to takethisjobblog@gmail.com.

Our First Submission!!!

Today is a momentous day at TTJ as we received our first submission. We’re not sure if this is real letter submission or something the submitter wish he had said, but we still love it, both for its humor and because it’s our first entry.

Dear xxxxxxx,

 

          Here I write this broken hearted,

          Worked for 4 years and now I’m retarded,

          Sick of all the mundane tasks,

          The douchebags trying to kiss your ass

          All this work for so little pay,

          Just waiting for the chance to say:

          I’m sick of dealing with your shit,

          F*ck this job I HEREBY QUIT!

 

                                 Sincerely,

 

                                 Robert xxxxxxxx

         

For some reason, I envision Robert delivering this via a telegram where someone in a bear suit reads this to his boss. Anyone other thoughts on this? Thanks again Robert and you’ll always be #1 at TTJ and to everyone else, please keep sending them in to takethisjobblog@gmail.com

 

Hola!

I recently realized due to the many layoffs that have been happening over the past year, there are a lot of people who never got the chance to say the magic words “I quit!” Add in the number of people who want to quit but cannot due to the inability to find a new job and I think there may be a lot of frustrated individuals out there who have not had the opportunity to express to their current, or former, boss exactly how they feel.  That is where we come in. We here at TTJ are giving everyone out there an opportunity to say exactly what they want to (anonymously of course). So we are looking for the most creative resignation letters (or actions – see below) we can find whether they are real, something you hope to one day write to your boss, or something you wish you had said to a former boss. So send them in to takethisjobblog@gmail.com and we’ll post them here for everyone’s enjoyment.